Studies In Porcelain

You might not believe this, but there are guys who keep track of the urinals they use in the various buildings they find themselves in at any given time.

People doing this have too much time on their hands.

I suspect these folks keep track of the source of their junk mail in a college ruled ledger. When the snow flies next winter, they gather their spiral notebooks, pour a cup of coffee and head for the recliner or reading chair to tally up the results. Doubtless they're impressed. If you travel a lot, find yourself in out of the way places (or not so out of the way) this list could be considerable. Take for instance the photo with this blog. Someone snapped it at the Ford Oriental Theatre in downtown Chicago.

I don't keep track of urinal usage since I hate these things from the word go (no pun intended). But, they have become a necessary part of the male existence. If I found myself at the Ford Theatre, I would go for the corner one, about ten minutes after the second act has begun. At least it offers a tad more privacy than the one smack dab in the middle of the room.

Thank Heavens for dividing partitions. At least management has the sense to know that a partition free environments are invitations for guys to try to converse over the sound of incessant flushing and the hand dryers blowing nonstop that sound like an Airbus A320 barreling down a runway for takeoff. And what men's room hasn't been invaded by the sound of some kid screaming in the stall with his dad that he can't get his pants buttoned? Yes, all of these sounds and more could be your portion during your next visit to the men's room.

For most of us, it's quick in, quick out; do what has to be done and bolt.

And there is something to be said about urinals in trains - there aren't any! Finally - a place to go that offers a little home comfort. Wasn't always this way, though.

Some of the old coaches of the Chicago and North Western railroad had no flush plumbing; gravity just sort of did its thing and it all went down to the tracks. It was something of a rush to watch steel ribbons beneath you as you relieved yourself, but you had to brace yourself against one side or other of the restroom or you could find yourself banging your head against the wall in front of you. Other coaches had flush systems and signs warned you not to hit the foot flush pedal while the train was standing in the station. I don't know what Amtrak has, but it might be worth the price of a ticket to and from Chicago just to find out. For a cheaper trip, try the Metra System west line that uses the Union Pacific trackage from Elburn, Illinois, to Chicago. And best of all, if you're eastbound the restroom is in the west end of the car where no one can see where you're going, not that anyone really cares. Check out the hand soap on these commuter trains. It smells good and you should wash your hands after being in there, anyway.

For the guys who encounter someone wanting to be chatty at the urinal, just smile and nod. Make some comment about the Cubs and how you hope they'll do better this season or maybe take their crosstown ball game issues with the White Sox to Jerry Springer. Speculate that you don't think Brett Favre will ever retire from football and that gas is way too expensive.

I was going to say something else, but I've got to go to the bathroom. . .